I have a leg up on Angelina Jolie


I cringe every time I see this photograph of Angelina Jolie at the 2012 Oscars.

buy gabapentin online cheap Did she learn nothing from me????

For those of you who don’t know, I invented this pose back in 1966 and have used it successfully for the last 46 years.  Several months ago, I was hired by Angelina and spent many long hours perfecting the look for her big red carpet moment at the Oscars.

   Let’s just say, she wasn’t a quick study.

 It seems that even Brad knows which was a better Photo Op.   Can you blame him?

 

 

While I would love to take full credit for this post, I must thank my friend Joey for the inspiration.  I posted this photo (sans Brad) as my profile picture on Facebook and it was his funny comment, “Brad Pitt’s wife Just tried this pose at the Oscars and it pales in comparison” that gave me the idea.  Thanks Joey and Happy Birthday today!!!!




Pass the testosterone please….


Our house will be bursting at the seams with testosterone, chips and soda while my boys and I watch football this evening.  In truth, I only know that it’s a playoff game because of the picture I have downloaded for this post.  Lucky for me the team logos on the helmets were easy for me to figure out who is playing.  The New England Patriots vs The Something or Other Broncos.

Had I seen these helmets instead, I would have no idea…..

 The Arizona Angry Birds?

Ureshinomachi-shimojuku VS

The Cleveland Orange Heads?

I can understand why I should have guessed better with the Arizona Cardinals helmet but as for The Cleveland Browns, all I can say is that they might want to be a little less confusing with their helmet color choice.  I would have gone with Brown, but that’s just a suggestion.

So with all this pregame information gathering, I should look pretty cool in front of my boys tonight.  I’ve also made up some rules for myself to follow so they think my head is in the game.

1)  Bite lip when wanting to make comments on which teams shirts are nicer

2)  Slam fist into couch when ball is dropped

3) Do rehearsed touchdown dance when needed (remember it is to the count of the Cha Cha Cha)

4) Talk with mouth full of potato chips when discussing plays

5) Don’t roll eyes when the cheerleaders come on

6) Don’t call any players cute

7) Don’t refer to any player as the poor baby who got hurt

8 ) When leaving the room to get more chips, tuck a throw pillow under arm and run into the kitchen yelling “I’m going for a first down!”

Yes, it’s going to be pretty manly over at my place tonight.  I just hope I can keep up, especially since my testosterone levels are dropping as I creep towards menopause.   My old friend testosterone who used to be here to help convert my calories into muscle has packed his bag and left me with an expanding soft waistline.

I’m kind of hoping my kids are rooting for different teams tonight – which means I’ll have to sit between them on the couch.  Without a doubt, the competition should increase their levels of testosterone during the game.  Hopefully while they are screaming “GO TEAM GO” at the TV, some of that testosterone will escape via their lungs and become airborne*.  All I need is to take in some deep breaths and maybe, just maybe, I’ll wake up with a little less mid section blubber in the morning.

Go Team Go!

 

*I am aware that I wont really be breathing in svelteness tonight….but a girl can dream.




Open letter to Shell gas station.


Dear Shell,

I am leaving you for another gas station.

I’m publicly writing to you so the local gossip mill doesn’t start whispering that they saw me down the road with someone else’s pump.

Why have I cheated?  It just seems like you’ve let yourself go.  You aren’t as clean as you used to be and lately there’s been a smell.  Quite frankly, your pump sometimes finishes before my tank is full and occasionally isn’t working at all.

Shell, I’ve been completely faithful to you for many years but admit that I’ve been over at Giant twice in the last few weeks.  I feel completely guilty and cannot continue this way behind your back.   Hopefully you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

Yes, the “other station”  is younger, but that’s not why I’ve strayed.  I feel cared for over there…..I guess you could say, that Giant understands me.  Giant is bright, clean, cheerful and offers me the gift of free protection every time I stop over.

 

You, on the other hand expect me to handle your pump with out any protection at all.  Lord knows who’s been touching your equipment and what kind of germs you are carrying.  I just hate thinking of who was there before me.

 

 

 

 

P.S.      Rest assured Shell, it isn’t just you.

I admit that I’ve taken extra mitts to protect me throughout the day from other germs.  I sure hope the news gets back to my ATM and they install a box of Gas Mitts ATM Mitts.  I can already feel my wandering eye looking at other ATMs.




Open letter to Ann Taylor


Dear Ann Taylor,

Thank you for thinking of me and sending me the almost life sized catalog featuring 48 year old Demi Moore.  It really came in handy this weekend when I changed the trucks and wheels on my son’s skateboard.   You see, I didn’t have any newspaper to put down and your mailing fit the bill perfectly.  I was able to dismantle the whole skate board without getting a speck of rust or dirt on my kitchen table.

As I looked down at my boy’s beat up skate board laying over Demi’s overly airbrushed image, I had the following thought.  In the skateboarding world, if your deck is perfectly painted, it means that you have never attempted much of anything and you just own a pretty skateboard.  When you see a deck like my son’s, you know he has spend hours mastering ollies,  heel flips and pop shove-its.  He’s challenged himself, fallen and often times succeeded.  In other words, he has lived and his board tells his story.

When I look at Demi’s face, I don’t see any trace of a life lived.

As a consumer, truth in advertising is very important to me and while you may be truthfully representing your clothing, perhaps you should do a little less air brushing on your models.  I wouldn’t expect to see Ms. Moore looking like my son’s skateboard, but it would be nice to see something a little closer to reality and less plastic.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like Demi Moore as your spokes person,  I’m just a little surprised she wasn’t representing the store, Forever 21.

 

 

 

P.S.   If you’ve heard things about me from Abercrombie and Fitch, just ignore them.




Family emergency plan.


Recently I had an anxiety episode late at night where I was certain I was having a heart attack.  Dwelling on the fact that my children could possibly find me unconscious on the floor didn’t make me feel any better.  Like many people with anxiety, we are our own worst enemies.  One of my greatest fears as a single mom, is that something will happen to me and my children will be put in the position of needing to decide what to do in an emergency.

The next day I woke up alive, exhausted and determined to get a grip on things.  I decided that while I cannot control my once a month anxiety/heart attack sessions, I can control some of the worries associated with them.  I decided to put together a kit for my children to help them get through an emergency.  I purchased a plastic zippered pouch and filled it with the following items.

I sat down with my boys and went over the contents, instructions and as a family, we decided where we would keep the pouch.  While they weren’t exactly thrilled thinking that mom could have an accident or fall ill, I think they were relieved that they had a plan to follow.   For me, it was very important to walk through the steps of what may happen.  We worked with a scenario that mom fell down the stairs and was knocked unconscious.  They knew the first step was to call 911 and get the kit.  My children were completely unaware that they would not be able to ride along in the ambulance to the hospital, so I explained that they needed to go down the list of emergency numbers until they found someone to come and help.  Discussing some of the possibilities seemed to make them feel more confident that they knew what to do.  I had originally intended to write this post as a single parent emergency plan but realized that it would be just as beneficial to 2 parent households.

Below are the things that I felt were important for our instruction/information sheet.  Please feel free to use it and add things that could be beneficial to your family.  Obviously, this list will not be appropriate in households where the children are young and cannot read yet, but it would certainly help a friend or neighbor make sure the correct information is given out.

Family “in case of emergency” information

Important phone #:

Other phone #:

Medical Information:

Misc. Information: