Back when I was 48 and immature, I used to write a different blog called Wink at Me until one day a stalker scared the beelzebub out of me and I shut it down.  Finding it hard to stay away from blogging, I created Jotter Girl and while I’m pretty happy over here, sometimes I miss my silly antics from Wink.  This morning a friend noted that my Monday feature was “one of the best blog segments ever“.   This is for you Mike….for old time’s sake.

In June of 2010, a trip to the shore got me this souvenir…..

Which then gave me 7 Mondays in which to be silly and creative.

Mustache Monday

Those 7 mustaches brought me a lot of fun.  Although these photos had my kids rolling their eyes for 7 weeks, they now admit that it was actually pretty fun.

Dear More,

I enjoy your magazine so much that sometimes I daydream about writing a regular column for you.  Something witty and smart that women will look forward to reading each month.  I imagine myself being for you, what Joel Stein is for Time.  My thoughts are full of what my page layout would look like, how my photo would be placed and what my catchy feature title would be.   Flipping through your December issue today, I realized that my 50 year old face might be at risk of a facelift from your art department.  I’m just putting it out there, that if my Christmas wish of writing for you comes true,  I do not want to look like Demi Moore in the Ann Taylor ads.  I want to be relatable… I want to look my age.

My facial resume includes, but is not limited to…..

Crows feet were earned from endless laughing fits over the last 5 decades, especially in the 1980′s.

That forehead line came from worry while waiting to adopt my first son.

The furrowed brow marks probably came from years of being a horrible math student.

Certain wrinkles were formed from squinting while painting, making sure colors were just right.

The bottom line of crows feet came from smiling at my children.

Those serious lines around my mouth are from pursing my lips together while not smiling at my boys.

Squint lines and age spots can be attributed to lining a double record album with shiny aluminum foil, slathering baby oil all over my face and sitting in the 1970′s noon day sun with my homemade reflector.

If this no retouching request is going to be a deal breaker for you, I give you permission to remove one deep line across the bridge of my nose, the three largest age spots and one deep wrinkle under each eye.  Since the lines on my neck just showed up one day and are not related to any experience, good or bad….go ahead and airbrush them away!  No more than that.   Just so we are clear, here is an example of what I do http://marionjensen.com/2010/08 not want to look like.

My sense of humor, stories and wrinkles all come from years of experiences, the majority of which I wouldn’t trade for the world.   If by chance you decide to give me a column and I see my caricature instead of my photo at the top of the page, I’ll know that you probably thought I had a little too much experience.

Happy Holiday!

Dear Procter and Gamble,

In case you didn’t hear, I turned 50 last month, which means that I can now be considered an expert on tampons.  I estimate that I’ve used about 6,840  of them thus far, so I totally know what I am talking about.

This letter is not to complain about your product.  Tampax Compak is, in my opinion, the best tampon on the market.  What I am having an issue with is your packaging.  After looking at the Tampax box on my bathroom counter, I seriously wonder who writes your copy and are they trying to get me hauled off to the 3rd Precinct?

Exhibit A

So this is what happens when I walk into CVS Pharmacy.

Jotter Girl:  “I would like a box of Tampax Compak.”

Sales Guy:   “What size?”

Jotter Girl:  “Anything but Regular.”

Then he brings me a box of  Super Giant Extra Power Tampons

Jotter Girl:  “No, I said, Anything but Regular.”

Sales Guy looks at me and requests backup at the register.

Exhibit B

When the manager arrives, I explain to him that I want Anything but Regular and decide to add  “You know, the ones Cuter  than full size?“  He frowns and gets on the PA system calling Betty to the front register.

Exhibit C

When Betty arrives at the front counter, I turn to her like a long lost friend.

Jotter Girl:  “Betty, I am looking for Tampax Compak in Anything but Regular. You know, the cute, comfy and  clever tampons? You must know which ones I am talking about!  The Daring tampon!?!”

Betty looks at the manager and sales guy and then carefully reaches for the alarm button under the counter to call the cops.

P.S.  It probably wasn’t necessary for you to Trade Mark “Anything but Regular”, I can’t imagine any of the other Tampon makers trying to steal it.  I think they are okay with Light, Regular and Super.