Stop changing your underwear. An open letter to Jockey.

Dear Jockey,

When writing about underpants, one needs to walk a fine line where one tiny step can turn into too much information.  Hence, I am writing this with great care.  However, I should caution you, if you are a man you may not be able to relate.

You seem to be in cahoots with Lancôme and Wacoal to make my life more difficult.  It’s dreadfully hard work searching out the perfect undies, lip color and bra.  There have been times that I’ve been successful only to go back to replenish my supply and find out that my favorites are no longer available.  I can give Lancôme a pass for needing to keep up with color trends and improving formulas.  I’m even willing to forgive Wacoal since finding ways to improve the bra is a noble endeavor.  However, when it comes to underpants, undies, drawers, bloomers, skivvies or briefs, I am having a hard time looking the other way.

A great deal of effort goes into finding the just right pair of underwear.  I’m no fool, so generally I will buy 10 pairs of something I like.  Typically, about a year later, I will venture to the store in search of a new supply, only to find that there is a whole new crop of undies to choose from.

grocery baggranny undiesThe only constant I ever see in this

department are those large shaped

bloomers which look they could double

as plastic grocery store bags.

These do not interest me.

 In your defense, I imagine one of the worst creative jobs in the world is being an underpants designer.  The actual design of two leg holes and a waistband is completely limiting.  No need for darts, zippers, hems or pockets.  I can truly sympathize with the designer, sitting with their sketch pad and having little to no inspiration, but honestly there is no need to reinvent the wheel.  When I open my underwear drawer, I want to pick up a pair and know exactly how to put them on without needing a schematic diagram.  If I can’t figure out which opening is the leg hole, we have a problem.

As a suggestion, perhaps you might take a lesson from Levi’s and translate it to your underwear.  If I go to the Levi’s store and buy a pair of 501 jeans, I know that I can go back a year later and get the exact same pair of pants.  I would love it if Jockey could use a similar numbering system.  I would only recommend that you skip numbers 1 and 2…. because, well you know.

Here is how I envision the Jockey 52.  Soft cotton fabric with a simple, two leg hole and waist band design.  Decent coverage, as the intent of underwear, in my opinion, is to be a barrier between the roughness of pants and the skin. Waistband about an inch below the navel and colors that won’t startle me while in the ladies room.  Please note that there is no use of the words lace, bikini or string in my description.  Whoever gave women the idea that wearing something uncomfortable, albeit sexy, underneath their clothing will make them feel good about themselves obviously never wore an itchy lace thong.  I admit to falling prey to this scheme in the past but spent more time thinking about how to remove a wedgie in a lady-like sort of way, than being sexy.

While I am sure there are millions of women out there who will defend the thong, my underwear nemesis, I can only speak for myself and hope that there are others who feel the same way. I’m not one for making threats but do not for a minute think that I won’t move on to another underwear maker. I stopped shopping for underwear over at Victoria’s Secret a few years ago because I was getting tired of sorting through piles of underwear looking for ones without cute little messages on them.  Unless you are going to put my shopping list on my underwear, keep them message free.

I would be ever so grateful if the next time I visited the underwear department, I would see a rack of Jockey 52.